I'm tired. I ate at a new place today and I think it made me sick. Then I tried to keep working. I had a couple of rough home visits. They're people in a lot of need, but I am not totally sure we're going to be able to help them because they don't exactly fit into one of our categories of eligibility. I think. I'm not really sure though because none of that has ever really been outlined for me. I was frustrated. So, I needed a pick-me-up so I went to visit a couple of homes that we're working on. I was so excited to see some progress happening! The sun came out. Teams were working at homes I had visited two weeks ago. Rooms were getting completed. Drywall was being hung. Floors were being reinforced. It was good. It was really, really good. And I was a part of that. Then I went back to work and walked into yet another frustrating agency disorganized, miscommunicated mess. I got out of there because I couldn't do that again today. So I went home to try to work from there and to get some online time for work email. But our Internet at home wasn't working and I was feeling sicker, so I watched a little Gilmore Girls and went to bed instead. I woke up cranky for our family meeting and was a pretty rotten to my housemates.
So the point is, I think, that I love what I do, but I am struggling to love this agency/program/set-up. I think that this community living thing is supposed to be some way of bringing us closer to our true selves, to learn more from one another, to be honest and in doing so get closer to God's calling on all our lives.....I think. So maybe a freaking disaster zone isn't really the best place to foster that lifestyle. We're working together, living together, worshiping together, and we're doing all of that in the most disfunctional and least supportive environment in which I've ever lived (and that's saying quite a bit, if you've ever met my family or ever been to OWU). The agency I work for is ripping at the seems. I think every person who works there is miserable. Our program leadership seems completely unable to support/encourage/befriend us. Don't get me wrong, I know that I've been blessed with fantastic, loving roommates and an incredibly supportive home church and I am so grateful for them. And my family has been amazing this year. But for what? Because this is nuts. And I feel like every time I write home or call friends or post to this blog that I am whining and complaining. And I hate being that girl. I feel like I am the worst version of myself most of the time here. I know my frustrations are legitimate, but when do I reach the point where I admit that I've become the fool in this game? I mean, do I honestly expect to wake up one morning and see real change in this program or in our agency? I guess I do. And that's what makes me a fool. Or faithful. It's a fine line these days.